you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
