I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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