I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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