I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
