The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between