when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.