the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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