im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
