I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I believe in your delicious
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
