My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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