This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
