The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I AM VODKA MAN
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
