WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
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I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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