im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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