Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I still have a little drunk in my system
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
