when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
