Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
