I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
