OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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