This house was built for laser tag.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
