U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
