Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
