great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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