He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
