Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
