hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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