On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
