So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
