my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
