got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
