I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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