I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
