quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
