Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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