How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
