I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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