Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
