so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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