I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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