Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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