now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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