We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
