I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
