I can tuck mytits in my pants
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it's great music for shaving your balls
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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