I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
