There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
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