i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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