look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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