Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
