ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the condom got lost in my hair
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
