Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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