Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
