On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
