I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
