Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
