I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Say something about gay babies.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
