I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
